Inspired by this post on Seth’s blog related about how to lose an argument online, I want to share with you my own perspective about how to lose in a discussion generally.
In my own perspective there are two big things that are stopping the dialogue and make you get lost into the discussion:
1. Bring the past into the discussion.
What would you possible expect from the other when you bring the past into the discussion? You need to be aware that the past happened and cannot be changed. So just adding it to the discussion, it is just an argument that you want to be right, no matter of the costs. Cause the person in front of you cannot do anything about the past. The only answers you expect from him/her are: excuses and blames. And none of this could help in any way to improve the discussion or to take a further action.
So put yourself this question: What am I expecting when I bring the past into this discussion? If you want to learn something from it and analyze it, then can be ok. But do you really want to do this?
2. Make assumptions
Actually making assumptions is just another way of bringing something from the past (which was discussed in the previous item) or thinking to the future. You either assume something based on what you know from the past, or assume that something will be in way in the future, or someone will behave in a specific way in the future.
Referring to the latter – assuming the future, I’m asking this: Are you able to predict the future?
Cause if you are like me and don’t have a super power to predict the future, then you should be aware that your assumption CAN BE WRONG.
Adding the future to the current discussion, will just make the other person stop to listen to you. Cause the other one can simple have another vision about the future. Also this means that you are not focused on what is happening now, but you are seeing what is happening now with the future eyes.
So like I’ve said in one of my previous posts don’t plan the future, do it now.
And there is more:
These two items, will not only make you get lost into the discussion, but it will just destroy any possibility for the dialogue to create a change, to generate an action.
It just destroy the win-win possibility cause if you or the other are bringing this into the discussion then there is nothing new to learn, nothing new to do.
You both know how the past was and you both don’t know how the future will be. No action to do, no correction to make.
One of my 5 Agreements is this one: “don’t make assumptions”.
But still, I find myself making them sometimes. Once I see this, I realize they are fake, they don’t present the reality, so my mind just stops
Lucian, very inspiring article. Thanks!
Carmen, I’m glad you like this article
Yes: the past is the past. But still, we have to learn to say: it’s just the past. I have to look for the future. If you know a recipe haw I can do this please tell me
Hey Sabina
I agree with you, we have to learn how to say “It’s just the past” and once we’ve all learned this, then the communication between us will be much more constructive.
There are two steps to handle the past:
1. Be aware of it, of what brings in to your present and future.
and then
2. Accept it and acknowledge the value your past is offering to you. Cause no matter what happened in the past, each specific thing form the past offered you a specific experience and made you the person you are now, when you are reading my comment.
And about the future, my own vision is to live the present and create the future in the now.
What this means: I have some goals (“what”) and directions (“where”) about my future, but I like to keep the “how” in the present. This way I keep my opportunities opened.
What did you do so far to handle your past?
Probably nothing. I have to do big steps…