Do you know what you generate around you?

Did you ever wondered if your behavior could generate drama or happiness around you? Not only in yourself?
Did you ever wondered if your behavior has a role in the functionality of your team or organization?

Behaviors and triggers

Everything you do is communication. I didn’t study so much NLP, but as far as I know, this is one of the grounding principles there.

I will be more focused in this article, about the symbols people assign to this principle.
Here is an example of what behavior can trigger, even in your absence:
Let’s say you were invited to an event.
Now, you decide to say no to the invitation and not show up to that event.
Do you think that your answer is a communication for the ones present there?

Well, for some of them it might be. If they know you and they know that you were invited, then your refuse will be interpreted as meaning something.
That something is of course related to their own interpretation and believes.
But your non-presence there will anyway be interpreted in some way.
Imagine the same situation at work when you choose to participate or not to a meeting or to a discussion.

Let’s analyze a different example, from another angle:
You were invited to a charity event and decide to go.
Do you think your presence there will communicate something to the ones that were decided not to go?
In some of the cases, yes. People not coming and hearing that you came, will also interpret your presence there as having a meaning.

What I want to point out from this examples is that you communicate, even in your absence.
And today, with all the Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare or whatever form of social online bounding, this type of communication is very much facilitated. Now, more people know about what you are or aren’t doing.

Any behavior or anything you say can be interpreted by others in some way.
There is no such a thing as non-action and non-communication.

Interpretation and filtering

This is a very difficult question.
Luckily with a simple answer:

You don’t know and you will never know.

Why? Because they form their interpretation based on their mental map. For those who don’t know what mental map means, let’s say they will form their interpretation starting from their own desires, fears, knowledge, concepts and dreams.

Did you ever been in a group hearing someone talking and then afterwords when you talked with your mates, noticed that each one of you remember different parts of the story. Some remembered maybe specific details, like colors, names, distances, numbers. Others remembered connections or links. Others remembered some specific words, or movements. And so on.

In these examples you can see how this mental map works. Each person has a unique map, and even if two persons are exposed to the same environment, to the same behavior or words, they can have two very different experiences.
One of the most common examples you can see these days is the attitude of people toward different events that are happening around the word. A bunch of people are watching the same TV images and still they are showing different attitudes. Some of them judge, others congrats, others remain indifferent.
The same happens in public space. A public person says or makes something. And then immediately the watchers, even if they saw the same facts, the same reality, are reacting different. Some sustain, some deny, some are even getting angry or disturbed.

All of this happens because of our filters and interpretations.

Observation and awareness

I’m not saying it is bad or good to have these interpretations of filters.
They just exists. You cannot remove them or change them whenever you like.

Create Peace One Garden at a Time

 Some rights reserved by Roger Lynn

But what I call for, in this article, is for you to be aware of the consequences of your own actions.
To observe the change of behavior in others that can be affected by your own actions.
Keep your eyes opened.
Did you said something and some people were smiling?
Well be aware that what you said and their own interpretation found a matching point in a positive anchor.

Did you announced something and no one even replied?
It might be your announcement/communication didn’t passed their filters. Or what passed by was too less impressive.

Accountability

Why is important to be aware of what your behavior triggers, even if you cannot fully control it?

It is important because even if you cannot control it, you can be more accurate and clear in your communication.
You can take one more step and sometimes explain your behavior if needed.

Think about this:
A child comes to you and ask you to play. And you just simply say No.
The child insist, and you keep getting angry and raise your voice while still saying NO.
This is a possible scenario. I’ve seen it many times around me.
But in this case are you aware of the fact that your reaction can affect this child for years? Maybe even shape his adult life?
So, why just not add a clarification in the first place to your No. Say why you don’t want to play.
This way you raise the chances that the child won’t take it personally.

This situation can happen and affect the same an adult.
And I know, some of you might think, I don’t need to change my behavior in order to please another person.
If someone is hurt by what I’m saying, then it is his/her problem.
And partially I agree with you. You don’t need to change anything because of someone else. The other one, will suffer only based on his/her own interpretation of your facts.

What you can still do, you can be more clear in your message. Try to fill any gaps there are.

To eliminate any possible confusion you might think of.

Yes, it takes a little effort.
But this effort it is good for both sides. For you to feel complete and content with what you did.
Also for the other might help, as it remains so little to his/her interpretation that the chances for anything to go wrong is small.

As final words I want to say this: if you feel intelligent, illuminated, or enlightenment, then I think one of the higher purposes is to contribute to others.

Because if you are like this, then you know how to handle your own issues, but maybe the others don’t know.
So why to contribute more to their complexity and complex suffering?

A romanian author – Octavian Paler – wrote this as advice for Parents:

If you really like reading this article please feel free to share it on Twitter and Facebook.

Thank you and enjoy your life,
Lucian

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