Often I can notice thinking on a short scale. And I’m not referring here at living the moment – which is a wonderful thing. I’m talking about limits and assumptions and judgments derived by living on the short scale theory, which I describe like this:

Maybe I’m the only one who thinks this way so there is no point to do it, cause it will not have any impact to myself or to the environment around me

I don’t know exactly from where it comes.

We are 6 billions of people on this planet.

Like Lao-Tzu said:

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

What happens if a percent might be thinking like this? What if 1.000.000 people starts to smile today?

I hear:

- “It doesn’t matter if I throw one little piece of paper on the streets” – Really? Multiply that with 1.000.000 and see how your city looks like

- “It doesn’t matter if I plant 1 tree” – What if there wil be 1.000.000 people to do the same, how beautiful will the park or the forrest look like?

- “It doesn’t matter if I smile, the others won’t do it” – What if there will be 1.000.000 people smiling? Will they be alone?

- “It does’t matter if I take a stand for happiness and good communication between people” – What if there will be 1.000.000 people advocating for the same thing?

So what I’m saying is that we should start to take a look at the bigger picture.

The world moved from single manufacturing age to industrial age.

Then again from industrial age to informational age.

And now, we’re going to a new age.

The 4 level of satisfying needs

There are 4 levels of satisfying needs for a human being (from my own perspective):

This is a simplified Maslow pyramid of needs.

On the first level there is the satisfaction of physical needs: food, water, sleep, reproduction. Here the orientation is to satisfy only the basic needs.

On the second lever there is the satisfaction of mental needs and the development that comes from this: reading, learning, thinking, inventing. Here were the first observation of the nature, the simplification of the beautiful natural events in order to be easily understood, the models of the world. Here was and it is the center of technological progress and innovation.

On the third level, there is the satisfaction of emotional needs and development: exploring feelings, emotions, development of empathy and motivation, the state of flow, creativity and all the social behaviors. Here is the center of human connections and the source of first level of happiness: the “I’m happy now”,

On the forth level, there is the satisfaction of spiritual needs: Who we are? From where we come? What is our purpose in this Univers? What happens after death? What is death? And so on. Also here is the center of being part of the greater being and the source of the second level of happiness: the happiness inside

The Shift

Between this pyramid of satisfaction of needs and the ages of human society, there is a direct connection:

So far the our society evolve from Manufacturing Age where the orientation was to satisfy the Physical Needs to the Industrial Age where the orientation was to satisfy the Mental needs.

Now we are inside of informational age where most of us are making the jump to the level of emotional needs.

And from now and then, few people are already on the spiritual age.

And this is what I want to say about Living on the short scale:

Where do you see yourself? Do you see any benefits of going to the next level, or do you prefer the comfort of the current zone?

No related posts.

Many times we are on auto-pilot. Automatically responding to what happens in our lives, to what triggers our social and personal auto-mechanisms.

We’re believing most of what we hear.

Trusting well known “truths” just because our someone from our life believed in them and told us in some point in time (most of them during childhood) that “This thing should be this way!”

The question(s)

Just remember that many of the important achievements, steps forward, innovations and creations came because someone, sometime put this question:

IS IT?

Is it really true?

Is it really true FOR ME?

Is someone else responsable for my own choices?

And multiple other alternatives:

Could it be the other way?

What happens if I don’t bealive this?

What happens if I will do the opposite?

Are the stories we tell ourselves real?

Using this question to motivate you

We’re hearing from childhood this:

“Do not talk with strangers! It is bad! It is dangerous! It is forbidden!”

Did you ever put these questions:

“Is it really bad? Is it really dangerous? Is it really forbidden? for me in this point in my life?“

Or I hear many times around me:

“Don’t do that. It will never work!”

Whenever I hear this, I’m starting to ask myself:

“IS IT? Is it true that will NEVER work? Could it be that will work this time?“

And then this question just starts to motivate me to try!
It is a very good motivator just to ask the question and explore the possibilities.

This question could also be used just to bust the creativity.

Whenever you’re stuck and find no solution to a problem, you can always start putting this questions to some of the way you see the problem or to question the problem itself.

photo credit: 姒儿喵喵

A while ago, a good friend of mine, let’s call it A left the country to work outside for a long period of time. A common friend B came with the idea to give him a present to remember Romania as long as he’s gone. And because I’ve focused on other things, this got lost from site and the same happened for B and a couple of hours before A should be on the plane, I was talking with B on the phone. We were stuck to find a gift in the remaining time and we were both struggling to make this happens somehow. Then while talking I’ve put myself this question: Is it really necessary to give A the gift before leaving the country? So I’ve started to question a part of our initial intention. This way, I and B came with the beautiful ideea to create a gift for A and ship it to his new address. This way we’ve solved the problem in the most valuable way, just because one of us, had the thought to question one of the parts of the problems: the time when the present should be given. I’m sure A will enjoy it very much!

And this is just one example from how this question could just add new options to a situation.

15 situation where you can apply the question

So, remember to put this question whenever:

1. you’re stuck to find a solution.

See my example before.

2. someone is telling you that you “must” do something

Ask: Is it really necessary to do this?

3. you’re telling to yourself that you cannot be somehow

Ask: Is it true that I cannot be this way?

4. you’re telling to yourself that you cannot have something

Ask: Is it real that I cannot have this?

5. you’re telling to yourself that you cannot do some action

Ask: Is it really true that I cannot do this?

6.  you’re telling to someone else (or to yourself) what he/she can or cannot do

Ask: Is it really true that he/she cannot do this?

7.  you’re hearing the words: “It is better to …”

Ask: Is it really better for me?

8.  you’re hearing the words: “It is good for you to …”

Ask: Is it really good for me?

9.  you’re hearing the words: “You should do/act …”

Ask: Is is really the way I should act?

10.  you’re hearing the words: “I know that the results will be …”

Ask: Is it possible for you to know that?

11.  someone is telling you how you should feel like “You should feel  …”

Ask: Is it a good thing for me to feel that way?

12. someone is telling you how to act – without being asked, like “In your situation I will do …”

Ask: Is it that you will do the same in my situation? Is it good for me to do this?

13. someone is telling you how to think – “You should think this way …”

Ask: Is it me that thinks this or him/her?

14. you’re telling yourself that you don’t feel something, like “I don’t feel …”

Ask: Is it really true that I don’t feel this way?

15. you’re telling yourself that you feel in some way, like “I’m …” or “I feel …”

Ask: Is it really true that I feel this way?

Be open to question the well-known and obvious truth!

No related posts.

So, we are communicating every moment. And like someone said (don’t remember who right now):” You cannot not communicate”.

Let’s analyze a little how our minds work when we are communicating.

There is a real version of myself that is determined by all decisions I’ve made in the past, all the hopes I have for the future and all the moments I live in the now. And in all this mix, here comes the perception. The perception is the capacity of our mind to transform the reality based on our own world map.

So, how perception works in a communication?

It works well cause along with assumptions and expectations it creates two new versions of myself when I’m participating in a communication:

1. The “I” as I want to see myself

2. The “I” as others are seeing me

Communication between me and the world

What happens is that I send messages to the world using the image of me that I want to share to the world.

And the other people are replying to my communication to the image of me that they are seeing.

This means that there is a communication wall composed by those 2 projected images. And this wall is filtering the messages I sent and the messages I receive.

Communication between two people

Now, now let’s look more close how it works between two people:

We can observe in this:

The image of what I want to be communicates with the image I have about the other

And there is no communication between the real me and the other real person.

Actually the message arrives to the real persons, but with very much noise created by these images.

Why? Because not only that I’m communicated from another perspective, but also I’m addressing to an image of the person and not to the person itself.

It is no wonder that because this way of communication, it is very hard to create authentic relations based on the 4 relationship rules.

Now just by being aware of this model, we can try to communicate beyond it.

And our body language is doing it already, but the signs are not coming so quick to the conscious mind.

How the communication should happen

So being aware of these images we can let them behind and communicate from one real person to the other.

That means:

- no assumptions

- express true feelings

- dare to ask, give, receive, refuse

As Zig Ziglar summarized:

“When 2 people meet, there’s really 6 people present. Each man as he sees himself, each man as he wants to be seen, and each man as he is.”

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One of the big instruments that gives power to autonomy is the awareness of our needs.

Why is this important? Because when you know your needs, then you know what is determining some of your behaviors. And just by knowing this, you improve your autonomy.

Every person has needs and not recognizing this means you just ignore a true fact: you, like anyone else have needs.

What to do about needs:

Acknowledge your needs and understand them well. You should know very well your needs, cause there is no one on this world that should know them better, than yourself.

Be aware that you are the only one who can fulfill your needs. And thus you need to communicate them clear to everyone who can help you fulfill them. And you are the one who decide who can and who cannot help with with this.

Find creative ways to fulfill your needs. What I want to say with this?
This means that if what you are currently doing is not working, try to do something new.
This means that is relationship is not fulfilling your needs, maybe you should consider changing your perspective about this relation or find another person who can understand you.
This means if the responses you get are not the way you want, maybe you should ask different questions or communicate in other way or with other people.

Do not change your needs

This is a very delicate subject and pay attention not to enter in the trap of “changing” needs that support your development only because it is more confortable for you to change them instead of fulfill them.

A need is not a desire. So you cannot change a need

What you can do with a need, is to move focus or decide it is not important for your current situation.

And also you can actively be aware that some needs are not yours, but are others needs. And thus you can eliminate them.

So in the end, being aware of your needs is an act of power and autonomy as you don’t let yourself drive by them, but you drive your needs to fulfillment.

You are the driver of your needs. You own your needs so act accordingly.

No related posts.

And I will explain about this with some short examples:
- We want to have respect of the others, before respecting them (before being respectful to them)
- We want to have understanding of others, before we try to understand them
- We want to have attention of others, before we pay attention to them
- We want to have forgiveness of others, before we forgive them
- We want to have caring of others, before we care about them
- We want to have love of others, before loving them

And here the list is as long as we want to make it.

What is the trick here?

Some people consider this type of attitude as being independent, centered on I, but this is the trick.
Even if this attitude appears like putting myself in the center, what happens is that I’m paying to much attention on the behavior of others and less attention on my own feelings, behaviors, desired.

So I’m conditioning my actions on other people actions. And this can be express simple: If I want others to do something, before I do, then I’m reactive, not proactive.

The change here it is simple:  First BE and then WANT from others.
To rewrite the examples from above:
And I will explain about this with some short examples:
- Be respectful, before asking for respect of others
- Be a good listener, before demanding others to listen to you
- Be open and watchful and vigilant, before asking others to pay attention to you
- Be a forgiver, before asking others to forgive you
- Be careful, before you want others to care about you
- Be in love, before others will love you

In other words: Be inside to have outside

Related posts:

1. You matter

What I mean by stories, I mean we create an entire story about reasons and excuses and blames that are stopping us to take an action, to do something, to create something.

But I’ve started in the last period to be aware of the items that stops me to achieve results or create success or empower other people.

And I’ve told myself: Stop listen to your stories! They are only based on things from the past or based on what I think it will happen in the future. So nothing real, nothing tangible. These stories are not real.

How I will do this? It is very simple:

When you realize that you can do anything then you know that every story you tell to yourself it is a bullshit

So I’m asking myself: Is the story I’m telling myself a real one? How could this story stop me from achieving my best?

And: How come am I still finding reasons not to do something, when I know for sure I can do it and I want to do it?

Related posts:

1. No hero will come

So, let’s say I have a list of things that needs to be done. Some of them are things I want to do, some of them are things I don’t want to do.

And depending on my level of acknowledgment, the things I need to do should be very few. But they are still there for most of us

The giant step to do is to write then down! Without this, there is no point going further with this article

The First and Golden Rule is: eliminate everything that has no importance at all in your life.

So the first step is: Read the list of tasks and eliminate the tasks that does not deserve to be there. So the things that don’t worth doing, don’t worth doing at all. So get rid of them from your list.

Then go to the Second Step: pick the task that needs to most creative state of yours. This will be your first task of the say.

Then go to the Third Step, which is: pick the most annoying, disturbing, ugly task to do or the most urgent one (in most of the times it will be the same task). This will be the second task that needs to be done.

If I finished at the beginning of a day these first two tasks, then there is nothing more to prioritize
Cause from the first task, I’ve already created value in my life and by doing the second one, I’ve already eliminated what I don’t like to do.

So, after I apply this system, the tasks that remains are the ones I like so all that I need to do is to enjoy every second of every task.

Enjoy your tasks!

Related posts:

1. Time Management Matrix

And here is a common situation: I’ve already give a negative feedback to someone, the process was good, the other listen and received well, but after a while, he/she is making the same thing, or the improvements are not the one expected and agreed.

In this case I need to give a second feedback: the follow-up feedback

I APPRECIATE YOU

When I need to give a second feedback on the same matter, I try to appreciate the efforts the other made to remedy the situation or behavior. I try to accentuate the positive and the evolution and in the same time make clear that there are still things that needs to be improved.

I’M OPTIMIST

OPENNESS

I try to show that I’m open to understand what happened and that we can work together to see what are the next steps. I try to help other understand what need to be done and where to put the focus.

WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS

COMMUNICATE about COMMUNICATION

I try to obtain a feedback about my first communication. And I’m trying to see if there was any things that were unclear or not well understood.

WE ARE SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE

You can you the following phrase to start the follow-up feedback:
“I noticed that after my last feedback you made some good steps. Now it is time to try together to identify what still need to be improved and what sabotaged this improvement. Also I would like to listen from you what you think about my last feedback and what things were not communicated clear or were uncertain”.

Related posts:

1. Intro to feedback
2. How to receive feedback
3. How to give feedback

I EVOLVE

Don’t be upset when you receive a negative feedback, no matter the form used by the other to give it. Remember this is an interaction from which you and I evolve. Both of us means well and it is trying to help other to evolve and learn something.

I LISTEN TO YOU.

I’M OPEN

If the feedback is not transmitted in a desired way, tell the other this as simple and clear as possible. Show the other how a feedback should be give and communicate clearly what you need.

I UNDERSTAND YOU

I WANT TO LEARN

If the feedback contains a general qualitative assumption (like “You’re good” or “You are bad”), suggest to the other to establish system of values reference at. Avoid a discussion about which systems of values is good or which is bad. Just stay focus on the subject.

I APPRECIATE YOU

I ACCEPT

Admit the mistake you’ve made (when a negative feedback) or the good thing you’ve done (at a positive feedback) and try to obtain as many information as you can to solve the issue (for negative feedback) or continue on the same path (in case of positive feedback)

HELP ME UNDERSTAND

I CARE WHAT YOU THINK

Do not say excuses or try to blame for negative feedback, or try to minimize your involvement. Just communicate that you care about the other person’s feelings.

I CARE ABOUT YOU

There is more about feedback: the follow-up feedback. I will write about this in the next post

Related posts:

1. How to follow-up feedback
2. Intro to feedback
3. How to give feedback

SIMPLE

Make it simple. Just say what you want to say, without adding any unnecessary words or ideas.

OPENNESS

The most important message that you want to communicate during a feedback is: “I’m ok, you are ok!”. This is made by attitude and tone of voice. This will open a communication channel between you as giver and the other person as receiver.

HE/SHE WILL LISTEN.

HELP

An important thing to establish from the beggining is that you will not give feedback to the person, but you will give feedback for activity or results. And you need to accentuate the fact that you are willing to provide help for the other to identify problems and solutions. This way the receiver will be willing to discuss very open and easy about the results, without feeling threaten personally

HE/SHE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU.

IMPROVEMENT

Accentuate the fact the feedback you give it will be useful for both of you. The other will be able to indentify some issues and improve some behaviors or actions.

HE/SHE WILL EVOLVE.

CARENESS

You shoud transmit that you are aware the other is a human being, not a machine and there is a specific context and some causes for the current result. You are open to understand the causes and the context, allowing this way to identify the solution and generate some processes to help other evolve. You care about the other person.

EMPATY

COMMUNICATION

Take good care not to interrupt the communication and be lost in excuses, blaming or finding the guilty persons. If this happens, the other person will not learn something from this, nor you.

WE COMMUNICATE

A simple phrase to open a negative feedback session:

“When I notice something was not done right, I tell you. I point what you did wrong and I ask you how you think you could do it better. If you wish, I can help you identify causes and conditions that allowed this to happen.”

Next post will be about “How to receive feedback”.

Related posts:

1. How to follow-up feedback
2. Intro to feedback
3. How to receive feedback