Often I can notice thinking on a short scale. And I’m not referring here at living the moment – which is a wonderful thing. I’m talking about limits and assumptions and judgments derived by living on the short scale theory, which I describe like this:

Maybe I’m the only one who thinks this way so there is no point to do it, cause it will not have any impact to myself or to the environment around me

I don’t know exactly from where it comes.

We are 6 billions of people on this planet.

Like Lao-Tzu said:

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

What happens if a percent might be thinking like this? What if 1.000.000 people starts to smile today?

I hear:

- “It doesn’t matter if I throw one little piece of paper on the streets” – Really? Multiply that with 1.000.000 and see how your city looks like

- “It doesn’t matter if I plant 1 tree” – What if there wil be 1.000.000 people to do the same, how beautiful will the park or the forrest look like?

- “It doesn’t matter if I smile, the others won’t do it” – What if there will be 1.000.000 people smiling? Will they be alone?

- “It does’t matter if I take a stand for happiness and good communication between people” – What if there will be 1.000.000 people advocating for the same thing?

So what I’m saying is that we should start to take a look at the bigger picture.

The world moved from single manufacturing age to industrial age.

Then again from industrial age to informational age.

And now, we’re going to a new age.

The 4 level of satisfying needs

There are 4 levels of satisfying needs for a human being (from my own perspective):

This is a simplified Maslow pyramid of needs.

On the first level there is the satisfaction of physical needs: food, water, sleep, reproduction. Here the orientation is to satisfy only the basic needs.

On the second lever there is the satisfaction of mental needs and the development that comes from this: reading, learning, thinking, inventing. Here were the first observation of the nature, the simplification of the beautiful natural events in order to be easily understood, the models of the world. Here was and it is the center of technological progress and innovation.

On the third level, there is the satisfaction of emotional needs and development: exploring feelings, emotions, development of empathy and motivation, the state of flow, creativity and all the social behaviors. Here is the center of human connections and the source of first level of happiness: the “I’m happy now”,

On the forth level, there is the satisfaction of spiritual needs: Who we are? From where we come? What is our purpose in this Univers? What happens after death? What is death? And so on. Also here is the center of being part of the greater being and the source of the second level of happiness: the happiness inside

The Shift

Between this pyramid of satisfaction of needs and the ages of human society, there is a direct connection:

So far the our society evolve from Manufacturing Age where the orientation was to satisfy the Physical Needs to the Industrial Age where the orientation was to satisfy the Mental needs.

Now we are inside of informational age where most of us are making the jump to the level of emotional needs.

And from now and then, few people are already on the spiritual age.

And this is what I want to say about Living on the short scale:

Where do you see yourself? Do you see any benefits of going to the next level, or do you prefer the comfort of the current zone?

No related posts.

And we are very good at doing this. It comes from early development ages of human kind, when we need to generalize in order to be able to learn new things and move forward.

It is going to a new level, in our times with so much information available. The first option when there is such an abundance of information that a human cannot read/process in one single life-time, is to generalize.

And this is even worse when we used it for people.

We just categorize one of our co-workers as being not-opened or lazy or anything similar and whatever he/she will try to do, our only reaction could be to do our best to include it in the category we think it should be.

And on top of this, here comes “the need” to be right.

Put them together and it is like a cage:

- nothing come in if it is not according with your view

- nothing comes out if does not bind to the rules

And thus, removing anything that could be a leverage for getting him/her out of the box and see the wonder in him, it is our own limit, created by each of us and fed with our own judgments and assumptions.

photo credit: Orin Zebest

Keep the labels on the box. There is their places. And by this I mean on the objects. Do not put them on the human people.

As every human is a wonder and you will never know what he/she is able to accomplish and become.

Everyone will rise at least once in their lifetime above the expectation of others or himself/herself.

To the question of how to get rid of labeling people, here are some possible things to do:

1. Take the challenge to live at least one day without labeling people. And if you succeed  make it one week.  And then one month. And then one year. If you manage to make it one year tell me how you did it

2. Be aware. Notice when you start labeling people. Whatever it is a positive or negative label.

3. Ask yourself: Is it really this kind of person? (I’ve wrote about the power of the IS IT question here: http://ghinda.com/2010/03/is-it/ )

4. Clarify your label or assumption by directly asking the person about it

And most of all, ask:

What from myself is mirrored in this person in front on me? What is here for me to discover? What I know about myself deep inside that makes me put this label?

No related posts.

I was myself in the same spot in the past so I decided to share with you my own experience on this.

Who/What are we waiting?

Let’s see what are the common things or persons we are waiting.

So we are waiting for:
1. The others to come to discuss with us our own needs
2. A friend to discuss with us our feelings
3. A partner to suggest us a better deal or a better project
4. A lover to come and express the love
5. Family to express the caring
6. An unknown person to come and say “Hello” to you
7. The future, where becoming better we can solve our problems
8. Next week to start ….
9. Next month to start …
10. Next year to make that change …
11. A new opportunity to say …
12. A special occasion to celebrate the life
And here you can put your own items on this list. I’m sure it can grow as big as you want.

What is happening?

It is just running away from the current moment, to live in an uncertain future.
And most of the times we are putting our hopes in someone else to make a move and improve our OWN life.
It is running from responsibility of our own actions, for what we can create and how we can live the life.

No hero will come. No future version of us will come to the present and rescue.

If you want to have a better future, start doing thing now, in the present.

Don’t put the control to the others anymore. Don’t want for NEXT to come.

Do you think that the other will come to change your life or to improve it?

How can you evolve in the future, if you don’t do anything in the present? The future is generated by every present moment you life. You don’t do anything in any present moment, then there will be no better future.

When you wait for someone else to make a move, when do you think he will do that move? When it is best for you or when it is best for him/her?
Remember each person takes the best decision he/she can do in a particular moment. And each person is running toward happiness or running away from pain.

Use questions to take actions

Put yourself these questions:
How long do I have to delay living my own life, until I realize I’m in the driver seat?
How long do I need to wait for someone else, until I figure out that I’m the creator of my own life?
How come, I have all these knowledge about my life and myself and I’m still thinking that other can know me better and help me decide what is best for myself?
How come, I know my needs and my desires and I’m still waiting for others to fulfill them? (Read more about being aware of your own needs)
How many stories do I need to tell myself, before I will acknowledge they are not true and start viewing my real life? (Read more about the stories we tell)

Related posts:

1. Don’t plan the future, do it now
2. How to lose a discussion

And today as I’ve experienced one of them I want to share them here and thus be sure whenever I want I can recall them:

1.  Give
Give means simple giving.

Like I’ve explained in one of my previous posts: Dare to give, to simple give to others, without expectations, without regrets. Just give fully.
So the most important thing to remember here is: give without expecting anything in return.

Without creating expectations and without trying to make the other one someone obliged to me.

2. Ask
Most of the people cannot read minds

So I should not expect them to know what I want, I desire or I need.

The most simple way to communicate what I’m thinking is to tell and thus the most simple way to ask is to ask.
Asking for help or asking for something, should be done correctly by letting to the other the choice to choose. So I should be aware that the probability to receive a Yes it is egual with the probability to receive a No. So it is 50/50

This way when I’m asking for something, I should not raise my expectation higher than the reality.

photo credit: Pete Ashton

3. Receive
First when I accept something, I should be fully aware of the consequences of my acceptance.
Also, I should not feel obliged by my acceptance and try not to limit any possibilities.
Receiving should be as simple as giving. I receive something and this is everything that is about it
On the other hand, when someone if accepting something from myself, I will not consider this a contract between us.

4. Refuse
I’m the owner of my choice.

So when someone is giving me something I have the option to deny it. It is my choice, so he/she shouldn’t be offended by my refusal.
I can refuse something because it is too much for me and I by accepting it I will probably feel obliged somehow to that person.
In many cultures giving a too big (or too small) gift it was considered an insulte and this was the reason: not to make anyone feel obliged by a gift.
Also I will not take any refuse personally. It is just the choice of the other person and I will respect that choice.

Related posts:

1. Intro to feedback
2. Dare to be happy

In my own perspective there are two big things that are stopping the dialogue and make you get lost into the discussion:

1. Bring the past into the discussion.

What would you possible expect from the other when you bring the past into the discussion? You need to be aware that the past happened and cannot be changed. So just adding it to the discussion, it is just an argument that you want to be right, no matter of the costs. Cause the person in front of you cannot do anything about the past. The only answers you expect from him/her are: excuses and blames. And none of this could help in any way to improve the discussion or to take a further action.

So put yourself this question: What am I expecting when I bring the past into this discussion? If you want to learn something from it and analyze it, then can be ok. But do you really want to do this?

2. Make assumptions

Actually making assumptions is just another way of bringing something from the past (which was discussed in the previous item) or thinking to the future. You either assume something based on what you know from the past, or assume that something will be in way in the future, or someone will behave in a specific way in the future.

Referring to the latter – assuming the future, I’m asking this: Are you able to predict the future?

Cause if you are like me and don’t have a super power to predict the future, then you should be aware that your assumption CAN BE WRONG.

Adding the future to the current discussion, will just make the other person stop to listen to you. Cause the other one can simple have another vision about the future. Also this means that you are not focused on what is happening now, but you are seeing what is happening now with the future eyes.

So like I’ve said in one of my previous posts don’t plan the future, do it now.

And there is more:

These two items, will not only make you get lost into the discussion, but it will just destroy any possibility for the dialogue to create a change, to generate an action.

It just destroy the win-win possibility cause if you or the other are bringing this into the discussion then there is nothing new to learn, nothing new to do.

You both know how the past was and you both don’t know how the future will be. No action to do, no correction to make.

Related posts:

1. Really listening to others
2. Don’t plan the future, do it now
3. No hero will come

And here is a common situation: I’ve already give a negative feedback to someone, the process was good, the other listen and received well, but after a while, he/she is making the same thing, or the improvements are not the one expected and agreed.

In this case I need to give a second feedback: the follow-up feedback

I APPRECIATE YOU

When I need to give a second feedback on the same matter, I try to appreciate the efforts the other made to remedy the situation or behavior. I try to accentuate the positive and the evolution and in the same time make clear that there are still things that needs to be improved.

I’M OPTIMIST

OPENNESS

I try to show that I’m open to understand what happened and that we can work together to see what are the next steps. I try to help other understand what need to be done and where to put the focus.

WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS

COMMUNICATE about COMMUNICATION

I try to obtain a feedback about my first communication. And I’m trying to see if there was any things that were unclear or not well understood.

WE ARE SPEAKING THE SAME LANGUAGE

You can you the following phrase to start the follow-up feedback:
“I noticed that after my last feedback you made some good steps. Now it is time to try together to identify what still need to be improved and what sabotaged this improvement. Also I would like to listen from you what you think about my last feedback and what things were not communicated clear or were uncertain”.

Related posts:

1. Intro to feedback
2. How to receive feedback
3. How to give feedback

I EVOLVE

Don’t be upset when you receive a negative feedback, no matter the form used by the other to give it. Remember this is an interaction from which you and I evolve. Both of us means well and it is trying to help other to evolve and learn something.

I LISTEN TO YOU.

I’M OPEN

If the feedback is not transmitted in a desired way, tell the other this as simple and clear as possible. Show the other how a feedback should be give and communicate clearly what you need.

I UNDERSTAND YOU

I WANT TO LEARN

If the feedback contains a general qualitative assumption (like “You’re good” or “You are bad”), suggest to the other to establish system of values reference at. Avoid a discussion about which systems of values is good or which is bad. Just stay focus on the subject.

I APPRECIATE YOU

I ACCEPT

Admit the mistake you’ve made (when a negative feedback) or the good thing you’ve done (at a positive feedback) and try to obtain as many information as you can to solve the issue (for negative feedback) or continue on the same path (in case of positive feedback)

HELP ME UNDERSTAND

I CARE WHAT YOU THINK

Do not say excuses or try to blame for negative feedback, or try to minimize your involvement. Just communicate that you care about the other person’s feelings.

I CARE ABOUT YOU

There is more about feedback: the follow-up feedback. I will write about this in the next post

Related posts:

1. How to follow-up feedback
2. Intro to feedback
3. How to give feedback

SIMPLE

Make it simple. Just say what you want to say, without adding any unnecessary words or ideas.

OPENNESS

The most important message that you want to communicate during a feedback is: “I’m ok, you are ok!”. This is made by attitude and tone of voice. This will open a communication channel between you as giver and the other person as receiver.

HE/SHE WILL LISTEN.

HELP

An important thing to establish from the beggining is that you will not give feedback to the person, but you will give feedback for activity or results. And you need to accentuate the fact that you are willing to provide help for the other to identify problems and solutions. This way the receiver will be willing to discuss very open and easy about the results, without feeling threaten personally

HE/SHE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU.

IMPROVEMENT

Accentuate the fact the feedback you give it will be useful for both of you. The other will be able to indentify some issues and improve some behaviors or actions.

HE/SHE WILL EVOLVE.

CARENESS

You shoud transmit that you are aware the other is a human being, not a machine and there is a specific context and some causes for the current result. You are open to understand the causes and the context, allowing this way to identify the solution and generate some processes to help other evolve. You care about the other person.

EMPATY

COMMUNICATION

Take good care not to interrupt the communication and be lost in excuses, blaming or finding the guilty persons. If this happens, the other person will not learn something from this, nor you.

WE COMMUNICATE

A simple phrase to open a negative feedback session:

“When I notice something was not done right, I tell you. I point what you did wrong and I ask you how you think you could do it better. If you wish, I can help you identify causes and conditions that allowed this to happen.”

Next post will be about “How to receive feedback”.

Related posts:

1. How to follow-up feedback
2. Intro to feedback
3. How to receive feedback

Someone said “Feedback is the breakfast of champions”.

There are multiple documented ways and books and articles about how to give and how to receive feedback.

And beyond all of them, feedback is a basic one-to-one sincere communication.

When it is about giving feedback, it should be simple, based on facts and without making any assumptions or judgement.

Here are some simple rules about how to give positive feedback:

- do not use the word “but”

- make it in front of others so that you raise other person self-esteem

- let away any negative side you encountered in the past or you might think it will be in the future

- communicate your personal feelings about how good you felt about that situation or action

- do not give positive feedback and negative feedback on the same communication, it will confuse the receiver

Negative feedback:

- try to be as simple as possible

- do not try to be very polite

- do not apply the sandwich method that is: say something positive, say something negative and finish with positive. This will just confuse the receiver

- say first facts you observed

- say how you want other person to behave in that specific situation

- make sure you transmit the signal: “I’m ok, you are ok”

- do not make judgements

- do not make generalization

- be as specific as you could be

- say how you felt when other person behave or took that action

When you receive feedback, no matter if it is positive or negative:

- listen carefully what other is trying to communicate

- do not interrupt

- do not try find excuses

- do not try to blame others

- put questions to be sure you understand the feedback

- thank to the other person for feedback

- make a commitment to improve your behavior or actions

I will continue in next posts to detail more about giving and receiving feedback

Related posts:

1. How to follow-up feedback
2. How to give feedback
3. How to receive feedback

Probably you, like me, got into a discussion with an already well anchored idea. I believed that what I know and what I think it is the right thing to say or to do.

And I’ve started to interrupt the other person and started to make judgments, cause I really knew well the situation.

But, I’ve found out that my assumptions and my believes can be very far away than what the other person is trying to communicate to me. And by doing so, I just end the communication cause I make other to get defensive or offensive. And when a part of communication is in this state, there is no communication.

Also I’ve found that if I really listen to others, I can be more creative about solving a problem or dealing with a situation.

Cause if I really listen, then the communication always bring more details, information that can help me take a decision or act.
And most important of all, I can transmit to the other that what he/she is saying it is important for me.

It helps if I try to see what others are thinking and try to imagine myself in their place. This help me understand them and listen to them more carrefully.

One gold rule I’ve learned about conversations is this: If someone opens to you and try to communicate something that bothers him/her, do NOT interrupt it ever. Don’t make judgments or assumptions during the openness part of the conversation. Just stay there and listen or encourage him to continue.

Related posts:

1. Intro to feedback
2. How to follow-up feedback
3. How to give feedback