How it started

A few months ago I’ve read the book “The Power of Less” of Leo Babauta.
An interesting book about simply organizing life about a simplified time management, allowing yourself to focus on the most important things.
Also I’ve started to came across with many articles about ToDo lists and Organizing projects and pros and cons about all of them.

And before that I was saying this thing for months: “Less is more”. So after reading the book, I’ve decided it is time to Walk the Talk and take some initiatives:

The first challenge: The do-list

My first step was to transform my re-organize my todo list into something that I’ve called the “do-list”. Meaning that it is the list of all things that I want to accomplish in a specific day.

I’ve made three folders: Work, Personal, Someday
And each day I’ve spent the first 10-15 minutes of the day by reading all emails and tasks and deciding which ones desirves my attention in that day. And I’ve put only those in my Work or Personal list in the order I was thinking is the most important for me.
I’ve took care to add to the do-list list everything that I considered to be very important for me, for my work, for my projects.

photo credit: Jakob E

In the beginning I leaned to put many things on the lists and as time passed I’ve learned to move the things remained from the other day to the Someday folder.

And as weeks passed by I’ve noticed an improvement on the things I like to do and accomplish each day. So my monthly accomplishments increased and the projects started to progress in a more meaningful way: the most important first. Those 20% that makes the 80% value of my all work.

Also I was able to estimate better the things I work on.

The second challenge

After 2 months, I’ve started another personal challenge: to make exercises each morning during the business week.
I’ve started this by making 15 minutes each day of push-ups. For this I’ve woke up with 15 minutes earlier than my normal wake up time.

I’ve done this for 2 weeks. Then I’ve increased the time to 30 minutes by 15 minutes of sit-ups and moving the wake up time with another 15 minutes earlier.

photo credit: Oliver.

And I’ve continue doing this program for another 5 weeks. In the last two weeks I’ve started to change every other day the push-ups with squats.

So after 5 weeks of 30 minutes morning exercises now I’m running twice a week and in those days I’m waking up with another 30 minutes earlier then the days with the exercises.
And it feels great.

What I’ve learned from this

1. It really works focusing on one thing at a time.
2. If you think the challenge is heavy, start by doing just a little effort of a couple of weeks, until the perception of heavy is starting to change.
3. Prepare the tools for success and keep them close. In order to quickly get up from the bed in the morning and start exercising, I’ve prepared my gym shorts and t-shirt and sport-wears near to my bed so that I can easily find them when I wake up
4. The “do-list” is much more motivating then the “todo” list. At least for me
5. Incremental improving steps are working much more quickly then a big 180 degrees turn-around
5. Have plenty of sleep. Even if It helps to fight with procrastination

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Where we are now

Often I can notice thinking on a short scale. And I’m not referring here at living the moment – which is a wonderful thing. I’m talking about limits and assumptions and judgments derived by living on the short scale theory, which I describe like this:

Maybe I’m the only one who thinks this way so there is no point to do it, cause it will not have any impact to myself or to the environment around me

I don’t know exactly from where it comes.

We are 6 billions of people on this planet.

Like Lao-Tzu said:

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

What happens if a percent might be thinking like this? What if 1.000.000 people starts to smile today?

I hear:

- “It doesn’t matter if I throw one little piece of paper on the streets” – Really? Multiply that with 1.000.000 and see how your city looks like

- “It doesn’t matter if I plant 1 tree” – What if there wil be 1.000.000 people to do the same, how beautiful will the park or the forrest look like?

- “It doesn’t matter if I smile, the others won’t do it” – What if there will be 1.000.000 people smiling? Will they be alone?

- “It does’t matter if I take a stand for happiness and good communication between people” – What if there will be 1.000.000 people advocating for the same thing?

So what I’m saying is that we should start to take a look at the bigger picture.

The world moved from single manufacturing age to industrial age.

Then again from industrial age to informational age.

And now, we’re going to a new age.

The 4 level of satisfying needs

There are 4 levels of satisfying needs for a human being (from my own perspective):

This is a simplified Maslow pyramid of needs.

On the first level there is the satisfaction of physical needs: food, water, sleep, reproduction. Here the orientation is to satisfy only the basic needs.

On the second lever there is the satisfaction of mental needs and the development that comes from this: reading, learning, thinking, inventing. Here were the first observation of the nature, the simplification of the beautiful natural events in order to be easily understood, the models of the world. Here was and it is the center of technological progress and innovation.

On the third level, there is the satisfaction of emotional needs and development: exploring feelings, emotions, development of empathy and motivation, the state of flow, creativity and all the social behaviors. Here is the center of human connections and the source of first level of happiness: the “I’m happy now”,

On the forth level, there is the satisfaction of spiritual needs: Who we are? From where we come? What is our purpose in this Univers? What happens after death? What is death? And so on. Also here is the center of being part of the greater being and the source of the second level of happiness: the happiness inside

The Shift

Between this pyramid of satisfaction of needs and the ages of human society, there is a direct connection:

So far the our society evolve from Manufacturing Age where the orientation was to satisfy the Physical Needs to the Industrial Age where the orientation was to satisfy the Mental needs.

Now we are inside of informational age where most of us are making the jump to the level of emotional needs.

And from now and then, few people are already on the spiritual age.

And this is what I want to say about Living on the short scale:

Where do you see yourself? Do you see any benefits of going to the next level, or do you prefer the comfort of the current zone?

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Sometimes I procrastinate. The brain needs its time out.

And sometimes I really want to get a new perspective on things.

photo credit: seier+seier

I’ve found these days a beautiful solution to change the state and become more productive or get a new perspective and it is very simple:

Working on a different desk.

Or in another words: just changing the current location.
It is simple, easy to do and very productive  in a qualitative and quantitative way. You only need a laptop.

Here are some ideas you can try inside an office:
- in the conference room
- in a meeting room (you can even try different chairs)
- in the hallway
- on a moving chair in the open space, outside the desk
- in the kitchen
- in any other departement desks then yours
- outside in front of the office
- sitting down on the floor

And you can add to this list any place inside or outside the office.

What about working here:

photo credit: kpwerker

LE: Found this article on Seth’ blog: http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2010/06/goodbye-to-the-office.html

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Putting labels limits our ability to see other possibilities. To discover and sustain the potential of people around us.

And we are very good at doing this. It comes from early development ages of human kind, when we need to generalize in order to be able to learn new things and move forward.

It is going to a new level, in our times with so much information available. The first option when there is such an abundance of information that a human cannot read/process in one single life-time, is to generalize.

And this is even worse when we used it for people.

We just categorize one of our co-workers as being not-opened or lazy or anything similar and whatever he/she will try to do, our only reaction could be to do our best to include it in the category we think it should be.

And on top of this, here comes “the need” to be right.

Put them together and it is like a cage:

- nothing come in if it is not according with your view

- nothing comes out if does not bind to the rules

And thus, removing anything that could be a leverage for getting him/her out of the box and see the wonder in him, it is our own limit, created by each of us and fed with our own judgments and assumptions.

photo credit: Orin Zebest

Keep the labels on the box. There is their places. And by this I mean on the objects. Do not put them on the human people.

As every human is a wonder and you will never know what he/she is able to accomplish and become.

Everyone will rise at least once in their lifetime above the expectation of others or himself/herself.

To the question of how to get rid of labeling people, here are some possible things to do:

1. Take the challenge to live at least one day without labeling people. And if you succeed  make it one week.  And then one month. And then one year. If you manage to make it one year tell me how you did it

2. Be aware. Notice when you start labeling people. Whatever it is a positive or negative label.

3. Ask yourself: Is it really this kind of person? (I’ve wrote about the power of the IS IT question here: http://ghinda.com/2010/03/is-it/ )

4. Clarify your label or assumption by directly asking the person about it

And most of all, ask:

What from myself is mirrored in this person in front on me? What is here for me to discover? What I know about myself deep inside that makes me put this label?

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Started from a post written for a personal development project I’m taking part – Whichway, I’m writing here a list with possible sources of happiness.
Some of them might work for you, some of them might not work for you.
They are what worked for me, in various times of my remembering and surprising experience.
Take them as they are and remember only one rule:

You are the owner of you own happiness.

There is no one there for you to make you happy.
Also please pay attention that your happiness may not ruin the other ones happiness.

The true sources of happiness is inside you. It is up to you to discover them and use them every way you can.

You can have as many sources of happiness as you want to have.

Some of the sources I will present in the next lines can be short-term happiness, but most of them are about long-life sustainable happiness.

photo credit: michibanban

The order is based on randomness and linking of my own thoughts. It is not a top or an importance/priority element.

Here it is: 54 Sources of Happiness

1. Do what you like

Allow yourself for few moments to do whatever you like. Doing what you like gives you the feeling that you can fulfill your desires.
And this is one of the great sources of happiness.

2. Do what you think

This means to just start doing whenever you are thinking at. If you think to jump, just jump. If you’re thinking to say to someone something, just say it.
Do whatever, whenever without judging and just pay attention to the laws and not cross-passing the freedom limits.
This means you are walking the talking and putting your actions where your thoughts are.

3. Drop the social mask

Drop your social mask for a second and just behave like you feel.
Try to be natural.
This means if you don’t want to do something, just simply don’t do it.
It will for sure increase your sense of autonomy which is one of the sources of happiness.

4. Goal accomplishing

Each time we are touching a goal, marking a milestone, finishing something we live the feeling that we count.
Star with a small goal and finish it. This will bring you satisfaction.
And satisfaction is another key of happiness.

5. Doing something for a dream

Do an action toward one of your dreams.
No matter how big or small it is, it will bring you happiness just because you’ve just started to move closer to what your are dreaming.
Sometimes we can find happiness when we are on the road to one of our dreams. And sometimes the road brings much more than the destination.

6. Listen to your inner-self (listen to your instincts)

Listen to your instincts. Until now, our instincts bring us so far for thousand of years.
Listening to them means you are giving attention to yourself and you’re putting your actions on the same side with your unconsciousness mind, with your inner-self.
Making this alignment, bring into our lives the equilibrium to enjoy life and feel good.

7. Respect yourself

Respecting yourself is one of the ways to increase self-esteem which make you also feel good and gives energy to enjoy every day.
Also respecting yourself, makes others respect you and opens the communication.

8. Allow yourself to be complete

Allow yourself to be complete. This means to accept that from time to time you can behave either in a good way or a in a bad way.
Actually means discharging the judgement to put each action in one of the piles: good or bad.
Allowing to be complete, means accepting you and your actions and gives you the power to evolve and feel safe about everything you do.
And when you stop judging your actions, then you eliminate the little voice that makes you feel like crap from time to time.

9. Don’t take things too seriously

If you want you can transform each event into a joyful opportunity.
Imagine how they look into a new light.
What if the people around you were green or purple. What if they all have mustache or wear funny pants
Just add a piece of joy to your current picture of life.

10. Be aware of the choices

Be aware that you always have choices, possibilities, opportunities to learn, to evolve, to understand.
Being aware of your choices means to have an increase feeling of autonomy, of the fact that you are creating your life.
And this is a strong feeling of happiness, as it give you the power to create whenever you like in your life.

11. Know yourself

When you know yourself, what you want, what you desire, when you feel good, when you feel bad. When you’re in the mood.
Then you can recreate each time you want the proper conditions to bring joy and happiness in your life.
For example, for me just writing this article down, makes me happy. Cause I will have a written tool to bring happiness in my life.

12. Smile

There are tons of materials about smiling.
Just remember one thing: you can smile no matter where, no matter what, no matter how you feel.
Cause even a face smile, can generate a real one.
And smiling is one of the best happiness moments we have.
Or just look at someone who is smiling.

13. Laugh

So when you want to bring your happiness to the highest points, laugh.
You can just start to fake a laugh and then laugh about your fake laugh.
This works almost every time.
Or watch comedies, read a funny book, read some jokes, tell a joke. Whenever makes you laugh and then try to re-create the same moments later on, by yourself. This way you will have the choice to laugh whenever you want.
Or just look at someone who is laughing.

14. See the potential in you

Each time I discover I can do something I didn’t think of, I’m happy.
Try to see what you can do and you didn’t think of.
Whenever you are discovering something that you can do, it will increase your happiness as result of discovering the wonder you are.
I for example just learned how to juggle. Try it yourself.

15. Look at a happy person

Happiness is a contagious feeling. The same way smiling and laughing is.
Just look for a couple of moments to the face of a person who is happy and you will start to feel the same way.
It works due to mirror-neuron. It is the gift we have all to copy the feelings of others by mirroring their facial and body language.

16. Being aware that you walk your road

Walking your road, being aware that your are on your own path, feeling the sense of your existence is one of the key ingredients of happiness.
It triggers the satisfaction and well-being feelings and rise up your energy.

17. Doing your best

You don’t need to win every time to feel happy.
Just doing your best in each situation can make you happy. Cause it allows your greatness to become alive.
And when you’re great then the world is the happy place on the Universe.

18. Listen to the music

Listening to some music. Try with african music, try with classical music, try something energetic, something with rhythm.
The rhythm of the music can easily transform your inner-rhythm and can raise your level of happiness.

19. Meet with friends

Socializing is another key component of human behavior.
And inside a group of friends where the social barriers are lowered, the atmosphere can be joyful and happy.
Do some activities you all like. Share some memories, plans the future or just enjoy the moment you are in together.

20. Play games

Play some social games, or childhood games.
There are plenty of resources available on the internet or just asking around about such games.
These type of games are the ones that combines key components of human behavior (socializing) with alpha state of the brain.
And this combination is one of the high power happy states you’ll ever have.

21. Write about yourself

Make a list of your strong points or your successes and how you got them.
Be your central character in the successful story of your life.
Just pointing out the successes you had so far, give you a beautiful moment. It is happy to review and share (if you like) what you’ve accomplished.

22. Learn new things and play with them

Learn something new and then try to play with it.
Just play with what you’ve learned, tell your friends about it. Tell to the world.
Learning something new make you feel more in touch with the environment, with what is around you, with what exists in the world.
Also it is a good exercise for educating yourself to be open to new and enjoy learning new things.

23. Watch a comedy

Just by watching a comedy your good mood increase and you can obtain a few moments of happiness.
If even does not matter how good or bad the other rated the movie.
Enjoy it, do not think at the IMDB rank, or Oscar or any other grades. Enjoy it and laugh as much as you can

24. Look for positive feedback

You know the persons who can give you a positive feedback.
Go for it. Ask for it. And as a tip, as for a written feedback. You can enjoy it multiple times later.
Reading a couple of positive feedback can be one of the top moments of a day or week or month

25. Explain what you do to your siblings

Most of the time they encourage you. And if one is not doing this, you can always talk with another siblings.
In most of the cases your family will behave like this. Maybe not from the first time, but eventually they will support you.
And when they do it, when they understand you and support you, then there is this unbelievable feeling, that you found your place in the world or that your existence has a meaning or whatever triggers your good feelings by being part of the family.

26. Wake up dynamic

Try to wake up directly. Without laziness, leave the bad and go up.
Try some small morning exercises. When you’ll finish them, they will definitively spike up your energy.
And being energetic in the morning makes the world shine with you.

27. Share what you know/what you’ve learned

Talking about what you know, what you’ve discovered or what you learned is transforming the past to a beautiful experience.
Washing it and present it in a forms that awake the greatness in you.
Share with others. This will make you feel good, feel that you can make a difference. And you’ll do it.
Remember sharing is caring and what you’ll get back only by sharing it is precious. Enjoy the sharing.

28. Play with communication

Read articles/books, watch materials about communication. Go to some trainings about it.
And then start playing it in your daily life.
A wonderful world will just open in front of you. Play with it, communicate and enjoy understanding what others are communicating.
Play with body language, with facial expressions, with your look or words.

29. Listen the personal stories of your friends

When someone is trusting you to share something personally, listen to it very carefully. Do not interrupt.
Most of the cases they will recognize your friendship, value it, no matter if they are saying this in words or not.
And knowing that you are a good friends, can be one of the reasons why you feel happiness.

30. Don’t plan a day

Take one day and don’t plan any second for it.
Let it be with the flow. Do whatever comes. Do not hurry. Do not look at the time.
Just be in the moments and this feeling will give you enough happiness to make the day special.

31. Plan a day

Plan each moment of a day and follow your own planning.
This triggers a feeling about being the master of your own life and it is as joyful as the number 30 – Don’t plan a day.
It is all about doing whatever you like yo do

32. Dance

Dance where you are. Did you ever tried to dance on the street? Or in the subway, or at the office or at home.
I’m talking about dancing for the joy of dance. Alone or with others.
And did you every tried to dance with closed eyes? Try it

33. Go on a trip in some new places

Discover new places and visit them.
And if you cannot leave your city, plan a trip even in your city and just enjoy the walk, the people around you, the nature, the buildings.
Everything that’s new an comes in your way. I’m sure you can find some places where you’ve never been. Go there and visit them.
Discover the wonders and enjoy them.

34. Help someone

Help a stranger. Help someone that needs a help.
Make some good to someone, especially without being seen. Keep it for yourself and the happiness will raise to levels where never been before.
Say something beautiful to a stranger. Say you appreciate someone you encounter during your day.
Or let a flower on a desk of a colleague. Or a picture with a smile. Don’t tell it is from you.
Or pay for a candy for the next customer in line

35. Call someone to ask how they are doing

Do this by simply saying: “Hello! How are you doing in the last time?”. Or whatever comes in your mind, but do not create motifs. Just say you wanted to catch up and see how they are doing.
Most of the cases they will be very happy about your call.
If you cannot think at someone you didn’t contacted for a long time, call the first person you know and comes to your mind.
Or send an email

36. Do some sport

No matter the sport you’re doing, it will raise up your endorfines. And they are can make you very happy.
Choose a sport and start doing it. You don’t need to become a champ. Do it for fun
It improves your healthiness!

37. Hug

Just hug someone. If you cannot do Free Hugs, then hug someone you know.
It is proven that hugging relax us and make us more happy.
Hug someone right now!

38. Be the owner of your happiness

Think that you are the only one responsible for your happiness. Then make a list with what you think it will make you happy and depends only on yourself.
And do the first thing on the list. See how you feel about it
When you know that your happiness depends only on you, then you already start to feel happy, only for that. Cause you can!

39. Eat some chocolate or some fruits

You can eat some chocolate or ice-cream of fruits or whatever you like.
Let yourself enjoy it, enjoy preparing it or buying it and eating it.
No regrets attached!

40. Involve in social campaigns or volunteer at an NGO

Involve in life of society around you and trying to improve it, raise the feeling of being human and having a place where you belong.
Also makes you feel happy because your are doing some good for benefit of the others. That you give something back to society.

41. Read some literature

Reading some literature, makes your imagination fly.
Read books you like, novels or anything that triggers your imagination.
Reading something you like makes time fly and it just means you’re in the moment, enjoying it.

42. Know someone people

There is a beautiful fascination when you’re talking and communicating with someone new.
It brings the wonderful game of childhood to discover the other by questioning, playing, asking, demanding or just sharing.
Getting to know someone new, it is an old ancient games and nature support it by secreting some hormons in our brains and make us not see defects.
We are only noticing good parts in the other. And so is the other thinking about us.
You can play with your image, with your communication.

43. Remember happy times

Just by knowing that you’ve been happy a couple of days ago, it can be enough to make you happy now.
It is just that simple. Remember that moment and part of you will act like it is happing right now.
This is how our brains it is working and how our imagination it is working.

44. Breath, feel the air inside

Focus on your breath is it a good exercise to let go all the tensions.
No need to a special technique. Just breath deeply and focus on the air you’re inhaling and exhaling.
It makes you relax cause the oxygen invading your body brings new perspectives and remove the tension.
Try doing this outside, in the nature. In the middle of the flower. Or whatever place you like the smell.

45. Meditate

If you want to take to a level the breath, then do some meditation.
The feeling it brings, only by focusing on the meditation it is a deep, beautiful relaxation.
Get in touch with your inner-self, your body, yourself.
Making it often enough, brings a special state of happiness and perspectives on the daily issues.

46. Take a walk

Take a walk in one of your favorite park. Alone.
Take a look of what is around you. The trees, the grass, the people.
Walking improves good health and in the same time rises the level of happiness by just being in the moment and in contact with the nature.

47. Be happy of being here and not there

Just notice that you are here, in this particular spot or moment of your life. Appreciate it cause it makes you who you are, who you will be.
It is part of you existence. And when you become aware of every piece that is part of your existence then you notice the happiness that lives inside every moment.

48. Love and let others love you

Love someone. Express your love. Feel your love.
And allow yourself to be loved. Accept the gifts, the talks, the sharing, the whispering, the touching.
Enjoy every sensation and everything will start to be part of your happiness. Every piece of the world, every step, every tree or leaf.
You can fly and you know it!

49. Discover new sources of your success

Do not wait for a specific result. Just by getting a result it is a source of success.
Appreciate it and celebrate it as it deserves.

50. Discover a meaning of an event

When discovering a meaning of an event that happen to you, it is like you know that the Universe know about you and care about you enough to make that happen.
And what could be more joyful than knowing that a whole Universe did something to make that for you.

51. Learn a life lesson

Look to you past and try to discover the lesson from it.
And when you find one lesson, only one, you then know that everything that happen, it is not good nor bad. It was there for you to learn it and become the great human that you are today.
And you are great cause you just learn something from your own life. Apply it without any hesitation

52. Hope

Let the hope be in you. See the hope in the world.
Knowing that the future will be good can make you happy in the present.
I’m not for hoping with action, so use it carefully. And do something about it in order to make the happiness sustainable in your life.

53. Be spontaneous

Here is one definition I like about being: Do whatever, whenever, no matter of the consequences. This is true freedom to express yourself without any restrictions.
I’m not saying not to plan the place to be spontaneous or the time. Sometimes you need to do it in order not to hurt yourself, or hurt others.
Create the environment and go. Do it until you feel you are spontaneous.

54. You

Like I’ve said in the beginning, you are the source of your own happiness

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Auto-pilot

Many times we are on auto-pilot. Automatically responding to what happens in our lives, to what triggers our social and personal auto-mechanisms.

We’re believing most of what we hear.

Trusting well known “truths” just because our someone from our life believed in them and told us in some point in time (most of them during childhood) that “This thing should be this way!”

The question(s)

Just remember that many of the important achievements, steps forward, innovations and creations came because someone, sometime put this question:

IS IT?

Is it really true?

Is it really true FOR ME?

Is someone else responsable for my own choices?

And multiple other alternatives:

Could it be the other way?

What happens if I don’t bealive this?

What happens if I will do the opposite?

Are the stories we tell ourselves real?

Using this question to motivate you

We’re hearing from childhood this:

“Do not talk with strangers! It is bad! It is dangerous! It is forbidden!”

Did you ever put these questions:

“Is it really bad? Is it really dangerous? Is it really forbidden? for me in this point in my life?“

Or I hear many times around me:

“Don’t do that. It will never work!”

Whenever I hear this, I’m starting to ask myself:

“IS IT? Is it true that will NEVER work? Could it be that will work this time?“

And then this question just starts to motivate me to try!
It is a very good motivator just to ask the question and explore the possibilities.

This question could also be used just to bust the creativity.

Whenever you’re stuck and find no solution to a problem, you can always start putting this questions to some of the way you see the problem or to question the problem itself.

photo credit: 姒儿喵喵

A while ago, a good friend of mine, let’s call it A left the country to work outside for a long period of time. A common friend B came with the idea to give him a present to remember Romania as long as he’s gone. And because I’ve focused on other things, this got lost from site and the same happened for B and a couple of hours before A should be on the plane, I was talking with B on the phone. We were stuck to find a gift in the remaining time and we were both struggling to make this happens somehow. Then while talking I’ve put myself this question: Is it really necessary to give A the gift before leaving the country? So I’ve started to question a part of our initial intention. This way, I and B came with the beautiful ideea to create a gift for A and ship it to his new address. This way we’ve solved the problem in the most valuable way, just because one of us, had the thought to question one of the parts of the problems: the time when the present should be given. I’m sure A will enjoy it very much!

And this is just one example from how this question could just add new options to a situation.

15 situation where you can apply the question

So, remember to put this question whenever:

1. you’re stuck to find a solution.

See my example before.

2. someone is telling you that you “must” do something

Ask: Is it really necessary to do this?

3. you’re telling to yourself that you cannot be somehow

Ask: Is it true that I cannot be this way?

4. you’re telling to yourself that you cannot have something

Ask: Is it real that I cannot have this?

5. you’re telling to yourself that you cannot do some action

Ask: Is it really true that I cannot do this?

6.  you’re telling to someone else (or to yourself) what he/she can or cannot do

Ask: Is it really true that he/she cannot do this?

7.  you’re hearing the words: “It is better to …”

Ask: Is it really better for me?

8.  you’re hearing the words: “It is good for you to …”

Ask: Is it really good for me?

9.  you’re hearing the words: “You should do/act …”

Ask: Is is really the way I should act?

10.  you’re hearing the words: “I know that the results will be …”

Ask: Is it possible for you to know that?

11.  someone is telling you how you should feel like “You should feel  …”

Ask: Is it a good thing for me to feel that way?

12. someone is telling you how to act – without being asked, like “In your situation I will do …”

Ask: Is it that you will do the same in my situation? Is it good for me to do this?

13. someone is telling you how to think – “You should think this way …”

Ask: Is it me that thinks this or him/her?

14. you’re telling yourself that you don’t feel something, like “I don’t feel …”

Ask: Is it really true that I don’t feel this way?

15. you’re telling yourself that you feel in some way, like “I’m …” or “I feel …”

Ask: Is it really true that I feel this way?

Be open to question the well-known and obvious truth!

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I hear very often around me, that people are waiting for something to happen or – worse – for someone to come and solve their problems.

I was myself in the same spot in the past so I decided to share with you my own experience on this.

Who/What are we waiting?

Let’s see what are the common things or persons we are waiting.

So we are waiting for:
1. The others to come to discuss with us our own needs
2. A friend to discuss with us our feelings
3. A partner to suggest us a better deal or a better project
4. A lover to come and express the love
5. Family to express the caring
6. An unknown person to come and say “Hello” to you
7. The future, where becoming better we can solve our problems
8. Next week to start ….
9. Next month to start …
10. Next year to make that change …
11. A new opportunity to say …
12. A special occasion to celebrate the life
And here you can put your own items on this list. I’m sure it can grow as big as you want.

What is happening?

It is just running away from the current moment, to live in an uncertain future.
And most of the times we are putting our hopes in someone else to make a move and improve our OWN life.
It is running from responsibility of our own actions, for what we can create and how we can live the life.

No hero will come. No future version of us will come to the present and rescue.

If you want to have a better future, start doing thing now, in the present.

Don’t put the control to the others anymore. Don’t want for NEXT to come.

Do you think that the other will come to change your life or to improve it?

How can you evolve in the future, if you don’t do anything in the present? The future is generated by every present moment you life. You don’t do anything in any present moment, then there will be no better future.

When you wait for someone else to make a move, when do you think he will do that move? When it is best for you or when it is best for him/her?
Remember each person takes the best decision he/she can do in a particular moment. And each person is running toward happiness or running away from pain.

Use questions to take actions

Put yourself these questions:
How long do I have to delay living my own life, until I realize I’m in the driver seat?
How long do I need to wait for someone else, until I figure out that I’m the creator of my own life?
How come, I have all these knowledge about my life and myself and I’m still thinking that other can know me better and help me decide what is best for myself?
How come, I know my needs and my desires and I’m still waiting for others to fulfill them? (Read more about being aware of your own needs)
How many stories do I need to tell myself, before I will acknowledge they are not true and start viewing my real life? (Read more about the stories we tell)

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Perception creates images

So, we are communicating every moment. And like someone said (don’t remember who right now):” You cannot not communicate”.

Let’s analyze a little how our minds work when we are communicating.

There is a real version of myself that is determined by all decisions I’ve made in the past, all the hopes I have for the future and all the moments I live in the now. And in all this mix, here comes the perception. The perception is the capacity of our mind to transform the reality based on our own world map.

So, how perception works in a communication?

It works well cause along with assumptions and expectations it creates two new versions of myself when I’m participating in a communication:

1. The “I” as I want to see myself

2. The “I” as others are seeing me

Communication between me and the world

What happens is that I send messages to the world using the image of me that I want to share to the world.

And the other people are replying to my communication to the image of me that they are seeing.

This means that there is a communication wall composed by those 2 projected images. And this wall is filtering the messages I sent and the messages I receive.

Communication between two people

Now, now let’s look more close how it works between two people:

We can observe in this:

The image of what I want to be communicates with the image I have about the other

And there is no communication between the real me and the other real person.

Actually the message arrives to the real persons, but with very much noise created by these images.

Why? Because not only that I’m communicated from another perspective, but also I’m addressing to an image of the person and not to the person itself.

It is no wonder that because this way of communication, it is very hard to create authentic relations based on the 4 relationship rules.

Now just by being aware of this model, we can try to communicate beyond it.

And our body language is doing it already, but the signs are not coming so quick to the conscious mind.

How the communication should happen

So being aware of these images we can let them behind and communicate from one real person to the other.

That means:

- no assumptions

- express true feelings

- dare to ask, give, receive, refuse

As Zig Ziglar summarized:

“When 2 people meet, there’s really 6 people present. Each man as he sees himself, each man as he wants to be seen, and each man as he is.”

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Autonomy is one of the big points that improves leadership and allows a person to take good decisions.

One of the big instruments that gives power to autonomy is the awareness of our needs.

Why is this important? Because when you know your needs, then you know what is determining some of your behaviors. And just by knowing this, you improve your autonomy.

Every person has needs and not recognizing this means you just ignore a true fact: you, like anyone else have needs.

What to do about needs:

Acknowledge your needs and understand them well. You should know very well your needs, cause there is no one on this world that should know them better, than yourself.

Be aware that you are the only one who can fulfill your needs. And thus you need to communicate them clear to everyone who can help you fulfill them. And you are the one who decide who can and who cannot help with with this.

Find creative ways to fulfill your needs. What I want to say with this?
This means that if what you are currently doing is not working, try to do something new.
This means that is relationship is not fulfilling your needs, maybe you should consider changing your perspective about this relation or find another person who can understand you.
This means if the responses you get are not the way you want, maybe you should ask different questions or communicate in other way or with other people.

Do not change your needs

This is a very delicate subject and pay attention not to enter in the trap of “changing” needs that support your development only because it is more confortable for you to change them instead of fulfill them.

A need is not a desire. So you cannot change a need

What you can do with a need, is to move focus or decide it is not important for your current situation.

And also you can actively be aware that some needs are not yours, but are others needs. And thus you can eliminate them.

So in the end, being aware of your needs is an act of power and autonomy as you don’t let yourself drive by them, but you drive your needs to fulfillment.

You are the driver of your needs. You own your needs so act accordingly.

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I’ve remembered recently what a very good person told me about the four rules of relations between human beings.

And today as I’ve experienced one of them I want to share them here and thus be sure whenever I want I can recall them:

1.  Give
Give means simple giving.

Like I’ve explained in one of my previous posts: Dare to give, to simple give to others, without expectations, without regrets. Just give fully.
So the most important thing to remember here is: give without expecting anything in return.

Without creating expectations and without trying to make the other one someone obliged to me.

2. Ask
Most of the people cannot read minds

So I should not expect them to know what I want, I desire or I need.

The most simple way to communicate what I’m thinking is to tell and thus the most simple way to ask is to ask.
Asking for help or asking for something, should be done correctly by letting to the other the choice to choose. So I should be aware that the probability to receive a Yes it is egual with the probability to receive a No. So it is 50/50

This way when I’m asking for something, I should not raise my expectation higher than the reality.

photo credit: Pete Ashton

3. Receive
First when I accept something, I should be fully aware of the consequences of my acceptance.
Also, I should not feel obliged by my acceptance and try not to limit any possibilities.
Receiving should be as simple as giving. I receive something and this is everything that is about it
On the other hand, when someone if accepting something from myself, I will not consider this a contract between us.

4. Refuse
I’m the owner of my choice.

So when someone is giving me something I have the option to deny it. It is my choice, so he/she shouldn’t be offended by my refusal.
I can refuse something because it is too much for me and I by accepting it I will probably feel obliged somehow to that person.
In many cultures giving a too big (or too small) gift it was considered an insulte and this was the reason: not to make anyone feel obliged by a gift.
Also I will not take any refuse personally. It is just the choice of the other person and I will respect that choice.

Related posts:

1. Intro to feedback
2. Dare to be happy