In my own perspective there are two big things that are stopping the dialogue and make you get lost into the discussion:

1. Bring the past into the discussion.

What would you possible expect from the other when you bring the past into the discussion? You need to be aware that the past happened and cannot be changed. So just adding it to the discussion, it is just an argument that you want to be right, no matter of the costs. Cause the person in front of you cannot do anything about the past. The only answers you expect from him/her are: excuses and blames. And none of this could help in any way to improve the discussion or to take a further action.

So put yourself this question: What am I expecting when I bring the past into this discussion? If you want to learn something from it and analyze it, then can be ok. But do you really want to do this?

2. Make assumptions

Actually making assumptions is just another way of bringing something from the past (which was discussed in the previous item) or thinking to the future. You either assume something based on what you know from the past, or assume that something will be in way in the future, or someone will behave in a specific way in the future.

Referring to the latter – assuming the future, I’m asking this: Are you able to predict the future?

Cause if you are like me and don’t have a super power to predict the future, then you should be aware that your assumption CAN BE WRONG.

Adding the future to the current discussion, will just make the other person stop to listen to you. Cause the other one can simple have another vision about the future. Also this means that you are not focused on what is happening now, but you are seeing what is happening now with the future eyes.

So like I’ve said in one of my previous posts don’t plan the future, do it now.

And there is more:

These two items, will not only make you get lost into the discussion, but it will just destroy any possibility for the dialogue to create a change, to generate an action.

It just destroy the win-win possibility cause if you or the other are bringing this into the discussion then there is nothing new to learn, nothing new to do.

You both know how the past was and you both don’t know how the future will be. No action to do, no correction to make.

Related posts:

1. Really listening to others
2. Don’t plan the future, do it now
3. No hero will come