In my own perspective there are two big things that are stopping the dialogue and make you get lost into the discussion:

1. Bring the past into the discussion.

What would you possible expect from the other when you bring the past into the discussion? You need to be aware that the past happened and cannot be changed. So just adding it to the discussion, it is just an argument that you want to be right, no matter of the costs. Cause the person in front of you cannot do anything about the past. The only answers you expect from him/her are: excuses and blames. And none of this could help in any way to improve the discussion or to take a further action.

So put yourself this question: What am I expecting when I bring the past into this discussion? If you want to learn something from it and analyze it, then can be ok. But do you really want to do this?

2. Make assumptions

Actually making assumptions is just another way of bringing something from the past (which was discussed in the previous item) or thinking to the future. You either assume something based on what you know from the past, or assume that something will be in way in the future, or someone will behave in a specific way in the future.

Referring to the latter – assuming the future, I’m asking this: Are you able to predict the future?

Cause if you are like me and don’t have a super power to predict the future, then you should be aware that your assumption CAN BE WRONG.

Adding the future to the current discussion, will just make the other person stop to listen to you. Cause the other one can simple have another vision about the future. Also this means that you are not focused on what is happening now, but you are seeing what is happening now with the future eyes.

So like I’ve said in one of my previous posts don’t plan the future, do it now.

And there is more:

These two items, will not only make you get lost into the discussion, but it will just destroy any possibility for the dialogue to create a change, to generate an action.

It just destroy the win-win possibility cause if you or the other are bringing this into the discussion then there is nothing new to learn, nothing new to do.

You both know how the past was and you both don’t know how the future will be. No action to do, no correction to make.

Related posts:

1. Really listening to others
2. Don’t plan the future, do it now
3. No hero will come

And as we don’t have this special ability to see how future looks (and thanks God we don’t have it), we are trying to plan the future.

It is good to have a clear goal and a vision about where you are and where you want to go and how to do it, but pay attention not to spend too much time on planning the future.

Notice each time you get disappointed that your plans didn’t worked. But you know what happens if you remain in this state? You miss opportunities

Cause it does not matter if the plan worked or not. In this moment. Now. It matters what you want to do with what you have now. You cannot change the past, but you can always choose how to live the present, where to look for opportunities, for possibilities, for happiness.

I will not show you any 5 steps plan about how not to plan the future

It is simple. Just start living, start doing some actions. Get the results and then see what your next steps will be.
Keep an eye on your vision and live each day as a pleasant, learning experience.

Here are some actions you can start doing it right now. I already started doing them:

- Get to know many new people! Start with 1-2 new people a week and then grow! You will learn from each of them something useful or at least it will be very funny

- Make someone happy! Even if you don’t wait for payback, it will always come in such a pleasant way

- Smile to a lot of people! Most of them will smile back and this will raise your energy very high

- Say Yes to one or more things you are scared of and just do it! The way you will feel afterward, it is almost impossible to describe it

- Congratulate someone (even a stranger) about something he/she has or did! You’ll have the chance to make someone’s day!

- Stop using “can” when you are speaking, start using “want”! This will give you very much empower to your life!

Please add to this anything you like and just start doing them. As a small hint: when making your own action items try to include there items that are done with other people, that connects you with others.

Here is more about how we learn from our experiences.

Related posts:

1. How to lose a discussion
2. No hero will come